When I was younger, National Coming Out Day made me feel incredibly guilty, because I felt I was required to tell people things about myself that I couldn't yet verbalize. I've known I was queer since I was nine, but I wasn't properly out until last year. By which I just mean to say: There's no right way to do it. There's no time limit, no one you're letting down if you're not comfortable coming out yet. 

For me, National Coming Out Day is about offering support. Growing up gay, I was deeply hurt by the things people would say around me. One day in high school I counted, and heard the word "gay" used as an insult more than thirty times. Things like that are damaging, and can make insecure and depressed queer individuals feel diminished even further, especially when it constantly surrounds you.

What I guess I'm trying to say is this: It's okay if you're not out. It's okay if you're not sure what your sexual orientation is. It's okay to change your idea of what your orientation is later. It's okay if your feelings don't fit into a nicely labeled box. It's okay to question things, and explore your feelings, and you can do it without judging yourself. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be sad. It's okay if you're not ready, and it's okay if you're never ready. You don't owe anyone a definition of yourself. 

No matter who you are, no matter how bad things seem, you are worthy of love and respect.

I am tired of teeth

A little bit of back story:  My wisdom teeth started coming in when I was about 14.  As that’s pretty freaking young for them to start coming in, my dentist didn’t believe me, and they continued to attempt to claw their way through my gums for the next year.  

Prior to this, the most frequent compliment I ever received was, “Wow, you have really straight teeth!”  I never needed braces and everything was peaches and sherbet. 

Once they finally x-rayed my mouth at the more wisdom-tooth appropriate age of 15, they saw that all four teeth were coming in at a rather daring angle, and had almost emerged to the gum line.  They recommended that I try to get them out within the next two weeks to prevent any further damage.

I get them out shortly after (even though they had to dislocate my jaw and break the wisdom teeth to manage it), and that was all fine and good.  OR WAS IT?

Because, as time passed, when I went to the dentist they were a bit shocked by how very messed up my teeth had become.  As I hadn’t gotten my wisdom teeth out before they’d started smashing the rest of my teeth together, I was going to need orthodontic help.  At the age of  17.  

The person I went to has been awarded the most dental awards of any orthodontist on the east coast.  He said that I could do a course of invisalign, and be done with everything before the end of my senior year.  

Except that every time I go back, they have to make further “micro-adjustments.”  I have completed two full invisalign regimes.  I have worn them for a minimum of 22 hours a day, every day, I have brushed my teeth in the school bathroom after lunch, and I did so willingly because, if I did everything right, they said I would be finished before August, at the latest.  

August of last year.

Today I had an appointment.  This was supposed to be my very last one.  This was it.  No more taking gross things off my teeth, no more feeling disgusting because after two weeks of constant wear, those things get nasty no matter how often you brush them.  

Surprise!  I’m not done after all!  Apparently there are gaps between my teeth #11-15 about the width of a piece of floss.  Which is, presumably, a bad thing.  Now, this has never been of great concern to me.  I have never been particularly anguished about having teeth that are slightly more widely spaced than one might desire.  I didn’t even know it was a thing until today, but I guess it does give me a new thing to dislike about my body, so that’s great.  Thanks for that.

With invisalign, they also attach small “buttons” to the teeth to target the ones they want to move.  Last time I got them, they put them on my front teeth.  So when I’m not wearing the invisalign, it looks like my teeth have weird pointy things coming out of them, and so I just try to keep my mouth closed whenever possible.  I’ll be smiling at someone, and then realize, “Oh, shit, no, don’t look at me! I am hideous!”

So, there’s my freaking life story of dental work.  I am not amused.  They didn’t even tell me how long the next set will take me to get through.  And while I wait for them to make the things, I get to go around with my freaky teeth points.  At the moment, I’m kind of in a general mood of, “fuck you, dentistry!  You’ve given me another thing to feel self-conscious about!  I have enough issues of my own to obsess over, you bastards!”

But that’s just my bitterness seeping through, I suppose.  Please do pardon my language.

Amanda vs. The Pizza Guy: An Epic Saga

A few weeks ago, I, in my youthful innocence, took a nap in the afternoon and slept through the dining hall's operating hours.

"This is no problem," thought I, "I shall simply order myself a pizza."

And thus I made my order, placing it online so as to avoid having to actually interact with people.  I gave them my dorm name, and my dorm's street address.  I paid online, and added a 20% tip, because I'm always afraid that people will spit on my food if I don't tip enough.  Then I was simply left to wait.  I received an email confirmation of my order, which stated that I should get my food in about two hours.

"Oh, my," thought I, "that is rather a long time.  But, no matter.  The deed is done, and now I have naught to do but wait.  I shall simply watch reruns of old sitcoms to pass the time."

I waited two hours.  And then I waited an hour more.  And then my phone rang.

Me:  Hello.
Pizza guy (PG):  Hello.
Me: ... is this about my pizza?
PG:  Yes.
Me:  I'll be right down to get it.
PG:  No.  
Me:  I'm sorry?
PG:  I mean, what's your dorm?
Me:  Allen Hall.
PG:  Right.  Is that near Florida Avenue Residence?
Me:  No, it's not near that...
PG:  What intersection are you on?
Me:  Gregory and Dorner.
PG:  Right...  Near Green Street?
Me:  No, it's pretty much the opposite of Green Street...  It's 1005 W. Gregory?
PG:  Right.  I'm not really sure where I am now.
Me:  Do you know where CRCE is?  Allen's next to that.
PG:  No.
Me:  Okay.  Do you know where the fire station is?
PG:  No.  Hang on...  You live in Bromley, right?
Me:  No.  Allen.
PG:  Oh, yeah, okay, right.  I can see a bunch of stores, can you tell me where I am?
Me:  Um, what sort of stores?
PG:  Oh, never mind, I'm past those now.
Me:  Do you know where Lincoln Avenue Residence is?
PG:  Sort of, I think so, yeah.
Me:  Allen is on the other side of that.  It's one building, with LAR on one side and Allen on the other.  So if you can find LAR, Allen is just on the other side.  Okay?
PG:  Yeah, okay.  I'll be there soon.

This conversation literally took over 25 minutes.  I have the phone records to prove it.  I went downstairs to wait for the pizza to arrive.  Ten minutes later, my phone rang again.

PG:  Um, hi, so, I'm at FAR...
Me:  No, you're looking for LAR, not FAR.
PG:  Oh.  Okay.  Well, I'll be right there.
Me:  I'll just stay on the line until you're here, okay?
PG:  Right, okay.  So I'm outside Allen right now.
Me:  Looking outside  No, you're not.
PG:  Are you sure?  Because it says LAR.
Me:  Right.  Allen is on the other side of LAR.  If you're at LAR, you want to find the opposite side of the same building.
PG:  Wait, I'm coming in right now, I don't see you.
Me:  That's because you're going into LAR.  I live in Allen, which is at the intersection of Gregory and Dorner, 1005 W. Gregory Dr.
PG:  Oh, wait, there's a lady here.
Mumbled conversation
PG:  She says this is LAR, and Allen is on the other side of the building.
Me:  Yes.
PG:  The place with the circular drive?
Me:  Yes.
PG:  Oh, I was there 40 minutes ago!  I'll be right there.

He pulls up in an old pick-up trick about five minutes later and screeches to a stop.  Out of the truck steps a rather angry middle aged man.

PG:  You could have just told me it was at the end of Gregory!  I've delivered pizzas here hundreds of times.
Me:  Okay.  Well.  Thanks.

And off again he went, presumably to his next adventure.



My pizza was cold.

Let's Talk About the Gender Continuum, Baby

I haven't updated this in a while.  Mostly because I don't have anything to say.  I've been ensconced in an anemia-driven sleep spiral for quite a while, and have been averaging between 16 and 20 hours of sleep per day.  So, you know, I haven't had time to do much.

I did, however, want to write a little bit about the importance of supporting the trans* community.

41% of trans* individuals have attempted suicide.  One in four trans* people of color is murdered.  2% have been violently assaulted in a doctor's office.   And that is just violent assault, neglecting verbal abuse and other mistreatments.  There is such a lack of information about queer issues in our cultural dialogue, most people don't actually know a person transitions, the difference between a transgender and transexual individual, or what it means to identify as anything other than LGBT, like androgene or polysexual.

It's important to be informed because cisgendered individuals often don't even know that's what they are.  Because, when such rampant discrimination abounds, being an ally should mean that a person shouldn't have to justify themselves or answer uncomfortable questions that could have been googled.  Because people don't know that it's inappropriate to ask a trans* person if they've had surgery, or what their "real name" is, and these questions increase the feelings of isolation many know.

I know it isn't my place to make grand pronouncements or tell people what kind of language is appropriate.  I'm completely for free speech, as long as you recognize what you're actually saying and how it affects others.  Coming out is difficult enough without having to stick around and explain exactly what you're coming out as, and what that means.

This isn't just about those who identify as trans*, but everyone along the gender and sexual expression continuum.  People get categorized as either gay, straight, or bi (though those people are just looking for extra sex, right?), and this adds to the trauma many feel when trying to identify feelings that don't quite fit one of those categories.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, or if it seems like I'm generalizing, or if I come across as self-important; it's just so important for people to know about these issues, and they're so often completely ignored.  If it comes across a bit muddled, in my defense, I am very sleepy and the TV is on and distracting me.

If you'd like to learn more about different gender and sexual identities, these are some good websites to start with:

Let's Talk About Gender and Sexuality

The Gender Book

The Gender Spectrum

Live Science trans* Statistics

Wait. What?

So.  You all know me and fan fiction, yes?  BFFs, and whatnot.  So I thought I would do a podfic.  And then after thinking about it, I did.  I posted a link to download it on Archive of Our Own, and on my tumblr (which I don't normally tell people about, as it's basically just me reblogging pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch), and, as of ten minutes ago, it's been downloaded 225 times. In the last hour.  And I don't know how or why this is happening.

I mean, I've listened to the whole six hour podcast to edit it, and by the end I had a massive headache from the sound of my voice.  But people who are just downloading don't know that yet.  I feel like I've tricked everyone into pressing download:  "Haha, this is a fic by a well-known author!  You all pressed the download link, blissfully unaware that your computer would soon be infiltrated by the sound of MY VOICE!  Mwahahahaha, etc."

Anyway.  Here are links, if you'd care for them.

If you wanted to download part one of the podfic I recorded, An Avalanche of Detour Signs, you can click on this.  But it is rated M, and if hearing me talk about sexy times is uncomfortable (which it probably is for everyone), you might want to skip those bits.  Also, I say swear words.  If you're likely to be horrified by either of those things, then yeah, no, don't listen to it.

If you want to keep updated on whatever, my tumblr is here, and I'll post links to parts 2-6 of the fic there.  I'm posting one part a day.  Again, I don't use my tumblr to blog, it's mostly just things I find funny.  And Benedict Cumberbatch's face.

If you're thinking, "Wow, Amanda, you are so learned in the ways of fan fiction!  May I sip from your cup of wisdom?"  My response is, "That sounds like a fairly horrible innuendo, but yes.  I will not be posting my master list of fic recs here, because too many people actually know me and it'll be weird, but send me an ask and I'll hook you up.  Or, if you're super clever, you may be able to find it yourself.  WHO KNOWS?"

It's up to 290 downloads now.  I... don't know what to do with myself.

In Which I Complain

So, a few of the reasons why I'm a horrible horrible terrible person (this week):

1. I've already decided to give up on NaNoWriMo.  I wrote 6,783 words, but every single one of them is a disgrace to literature, so I'm abandoning it.  It's a mercy killing, really.  Since the only reason I decided to do it in the first place was to prove to myself that I can finish something, it really is quite funny.

2.  I've gained 15 pounds since coming here.  Seriously.  I found a scale today.  Which means that I officially a fat fat fatty.

3. We've been doing scene work in class, which means that I get to return to the happy place of, "Oh, God, I'm so bad at acting.  So so very bad.  Amanda, what are you doing?  These people are so much better.  You're going to die alone and friendless in a ditch and no one will care because you are a worthless tub of lard with five chins."  As is my normal internal narrative, but it intensifies when I have to compare myself with peers.

4. The skin under my right eye is red and scaly, and I have no idea why.  That's actually a rather minor issue, but.  Still.

5. I spent $100 on tea yesterday.

6. My half of the room is, as usual, in a state of chaos.  CHAOS.  There's a fairly clear dividing line between my half of the room and Tori's, which is just so sad.  I did do the dishes before mold started growing on them this time, so there's a plus for me.  And it seems like most of the fruit flies are gone.

This is why I haven't asked anyone to room with me next year, because when I say I'm messy, I don't think they fully comprehend the sheer magnitude of my clutter.

7.  I bought a party size bag of peanut M&Ms.  If by "party" you mean "sitting alone in the dark watching Rupert Graves movies and wallowing in my self-pity while indulging my gluttony", then yes, I have a party just about every night while I eat my feelings.  (See #2)

8. I'm probably going to end up being a hoarder.  I probably already am, really.  I can't throw things away because I'm afraid that it will hurt its feelings, so there's that.

9.  This isn't particularly a failing on my part, but I just watched the movie Clapham Junction and it was so very depressing.  It started out fine, but then [SPOILER ALERT, BUT ACTUALLY SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS] the guy who just got married has sex with one of the waiters at the reception, and then the waiter gets murdered, and the people who killed him are never caught and the other plot line with the two other guys getting together falls apart because it turns out he's only 14 and he's 30 and Rupert Graves doesn't even get naked in this one.  And at the end all of their hopes are shattered and no one's happy and the nice kid who plays the violin gets gay-bashed and they break his violin, and his mother had saved all her money for years to buy it for him.  I mean, when I started watching it, I thought I was in for a jaunty romp, and then every single character has his dreams crushed.  It's too sad for me to even use proper punctuation.  You can watch it here if you'd like, but be prepared.  And also there's a whole lot of very nude nudity in it, too, if that's not your style.

10.  The formatting of the above paragraph.

But things went well for gay people in real life last night, election-wise, so that's super and groovy!  Hooray hooray hooray!  We've got a gay senator and a pansexual representative, which is super awesome.  Especially because no one seems to know what pansexuality is, and now they'll have to google it and learn!  Yay for social progressivism!  And four more states are no longer engaged in using blatant discrimination to deny fundamental human rights! Things are definitely heading in a more positive direction.

An Update on the Status of Updates

Hello!  As I am participating in NaNoWriMo this month, I will not be updating this blog with any sort of regularity until I'm done.  Unless I start using it as a procrastination tool, in which case I will be updating all the time.

Anyway, if you wanted to keep up with my writing for whatever reason, you can check out my NaNoWriMo profile here.  And feel free to yell at me if I'm getting lazy, being yelled at usually works to motivate me.

The title and genre are temporary at this point, by the by, as I don't really feel comfortable classifying anything until I'm done.  And I have no idea where it might go at this point.

If you're a fellow participant, add me as a writing buddy!  It will be fun!

I'll talk to you guys again when I emerge from my lair of darkness and tea in a month!