Through the Ringer: A Play I Was Made to Write

For my Text to Stage class, I had to write a play based on a quote containing an inherent paradox.  This type of thing usually does not go well for me, as is evidenced below, but I thought I might as well share my pathetic, futile attempt at writing.  And humor.  So, here it is, my short play based upon a quote from Oscar Wilde, written in about fifteen minutes while waiting for my laundry.

Through the Ringer

A short play by Amanda M

Cast of Characters

Neil Thompson: A man in his late 20's
Doctor Mortimer: A woman in her mid- to late 30's

Scene

A suburb West of Washington, D.C.

Time

December 2011

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

                -Oscar Wilde

Scene I

SETTING:  We are in a slightly dilapidated laundromat.  A row of washing machines stand upstage, with a row of dryers lined across stage right.

AT RISE:  Mid-day.  A woman stands upstage center removing clothes from a washing machine.  

NEIL (sprinting into store, out of breath)

Wait, please, sorry.  Those are my clothes, sorry.  

DR. M

Neil!

NEIL

Oh, god.  Doctor Mortimer.  I had no idea, I am so, so sorry.

DR.M

It’s really fine, Neil.  It’s just that all the other washers were full, and it seemed that this had been done for a while

NEIL (realizing that she is still holding his laundry)

Yes, I’m sure it was.  Um, can I just...?  (takes clothes from DR.M, puts them in hamper)

DR.M

Oh, of course.  Actually, I’m very glad to see you, Neil.  I was just about to call.  How is the new dosage of Tegretol working for you?  No side-effects this time?

NEIL (moving laundry from washer to dryer)

Um.  Well.  None that I’ve noticed?

DR. M

Excellent!  I’m so glad to hear that.  After you didn’t show up to our last session, I thought you were probably dead.

NEIL

No.  Just.  Something came up, I guess.

DR. M

Because that’s the only reason I could find why you would miss your third appointment in a row.  Since you know how busy I am, and you know that I can’t keep prescribing you medications if you don’t actually see me.

NEIL

Yes, I do know that.  I am so sorry.  I didn’t mean to... waste your time?

DR.M

Well, you definitely have.  And what is this shirt supposed to be?  (holds up loud Hawaiian shirt from NEIL’s laundry pile)

NEIL

My ex-girlfriend got it for me...

DR. M

It’s no wonder she’s an ex!  Neil, I told you, you have to start working on your self-esteem, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to adjust your physical appearance!  Otherwise you’re going to die alone and friendless in some horrible tacky suit!  No wonder you got fired last month, if this is the sort of thing you’d been wearing.

    NEIL   

Doctor, do you think that, maybe, we could have this conversation later?

DR.M

Neil.  As your doctor, I care greatly about your mental well-being.  And maybe if we address some of your destructive behaviors in public you will be able to get the message, instead of moping all the time.  

NEIL

I do not mope all the time!  For god’s sake, I’m bipolar!

DR. M

Fine, moping half the time and acting like a hyperactive toddler the other half.  

NEIL

You’re supposed to be my psychiatrist!  You’re supposed to make me feel better, not call me names all the time!  This is exactly why I’ve stopped coming to our appointments!

DR.M

Neil, I hardly think that’s fair.  I’ve been working with you for half a year, and look how far we’ve gotten!  

NEIL

What?

DR.M

Six months ago you would have never been able to tell me off like this.

NEIL

So... this was some sort of test?

DR. M

Of course it was.  You don’t think I’d really address my patients like this, do you?

NEIL

Well, no, I guess not.

DR. M

And do you really think I’d come to a laundromat like this?  No, I’ve been having your movements tracked, and knew that this was where you would be at 12:30 on a Sunday.  

NEIL

Oh god, you’ve been spying on me?

DR. M

No.  But one of the side effects of Tegretol is paranoia, and I wanted to see if you believed you were being followed.

NEIL

I can’t believe this!

DR. M

Good!  I’m very glad to hear that.

NEIL

No, I can’t believe you’re messing with my head like this!

DR. M

Neil.  You are paying me $250 an hour to mess with your head.

NEIL

Not like this!

DR. M

Well, then you should have specified, shouldn’t you?

NEIL

You certainly don’t take my issues very seriously.

DR. M

That’s because they’re not serious.

NEIL

Not...?!  I tried to kill myself last year!

DR.M

Yes, but you didn’t try very hard.

NEIL

Why are you doing this?  What, exactly, do you want from me?

DR. M

Oh, Neil, darling.  What would I have you believe?  Have I been trying to seduce you from the moment we met?  Am I your long-lost twin?  A being from another universe come to study the ways of humankind?

NEIL

You really don’t have to mock me, you’ve made me feel bad enough already.

DR. M (feigning shock)

Why, Neil!  How could you think such a thing of me?  I am sworn under the hippocratic oath to do no harm!

NEIL

Then what the hell do you call all this?

DR. M

A conversation between friends.

NEIL

You’re insane.

DR. M

No, I’m pretty sure that would be you.

NEIL

No.  I have mood swings.  You are totally out of your mind.

DR. M

So you admit that they’re just mood swings!

NEIL

What?

DR. M

You admit that the root of your emotional turmoil comes from a deeply unsatisfying connecting to your father figure, compounded by the childhood trauma of witnessing the birth of your sister, who you’ve always resented because your mother prefers her to you!

NEIL

What the fuck are you talking about?

DR. M

It’s okay, Neil.  You’re safe now.  You’ve got to leave the past behind.  You can move forward from this.  The medication will help, but you need to find a way to affirm your own value.  You can do this, Neil.  You can be healed.  

NEIL

Doctor Mortimer?

DR. M

Yes, Neil?

NEIL

Is all this another “test” to make sure I’m not having any hallucinogenic side-effects?

DR. M

No, Neil.  This was me saying that I care about you.  Leave your past behind.  I will care for you the way your mother was never able.  

NEIL

Oh, um, thanks, but I think my laundry’s done, so I’ll just be going...

DR. M

Ah, well.  Your next appointment is Friday at 2:00.  I do so hope you can make it.  In the meantime, do try to to discern how much of this was real, how much was hallucination, and how much was a subtle play made by your subconscious, showing your secret desire for me and hatred for your childhood pet.

NEIL

So...  this was one of your tests?

DR. M

Ah!  Can’t tell you that.  That’s cheating.  

NEIL

Right.  So if I don’t come to our appointment...?

DR. M

I will hunt you down and gut you like the sniveling coward you are.  I will pry off your fingernails one by one, and make you eat them.  I will make you feel pain the likes of which you could never imagine.

NEIL

Have I been hallucinating this whole time, then?  I mean, there’s no way you could get away with saying things like that to your patients, so it must just be the Tegretol.  Right?

DR. M

I already told you, that’s cheating.  Come see me Friday.  We can discuss your delusions then.

NEIL

Right.  So.  Thanks, I guess?  If you’re a hallucination, I mean.  If you’re the real Doctor Mortimer, I’m not thanking you at all.  And I suppose it doesn’t do much good to thank the hallucination-you either, does it?

DR. M

Not a bit.

NEIL

Ah.  So.  Friday?

DR. M

I will be looking forward to it.



So, that's the play.  I realized, long after writing it, that this could be offensive to people with certain varieties of mental illness.  My intention was not at all to mock or make light of these serious issues, merely to explore the contrast between those deemed by society to be ill and those who are held as beacons of stability.